I apologize for the lack of posts, dear readers. I swear I have a good excuse. Normally, I would just say "Fuck you, I didn't feel like posting." But the sad fact is I've had something to post about and simply been to lazy to do it. Okay, you caught me.
On Wednesday (I know, it wasn't even the weekend--I'm such a whore) I was supposed to go out for a drink with some boy. This boy told me he was 28 and his name was Todd. My internship interview ran late so he got to my apartment before I did. So when I get to my apartment and finally meet him, he introduces himself as Jeff and I immediately think, "If he's 28 than I'm a virgin." But he's hot and well dressed, even if he does laugh like a retarded goat, so whatever. Game on. We head up to my apartment so I can change from my interview. I pretty much knew that we wouldn't be leaving my apartment, but I could not have expected the events that would soon transpire.
Even though I've taken the time to get undressed and redressed, I'm out of my clothes (again) faster than Paris Hilton at a club. He struggles a bit with getting my bra unclasped, which is really upsetting. For the love of god, buy a bra when you're 15 and start practicing. Still he found my g-spot pretty quickly so I was willing to forgive the bra debacle.
Let me preface this next bit by saying that I give a fucking amazing blow job. Like professional grade. I've been doing it for a decade now, and learned from porn stars. For most men, it's multi-orgasmic, which is tricky to do. Everyone should have one skill, and well, that's mine. So I proceed to give him one of these multi-orgasmic, fucking amazing, porn star quality blow jobs. No sooner than I swallow from the second time around and he's up and out of bed. Now he's had 2 orgasms and I've had none. I'm not really concerned about him, but extremely concerned about sporting my o-face so I asked what's wrong. Big mistake.
He says, "Something has been bothering me about you." For what, the whole 10 hours you've known I existed? "You said you are an atheist, but you aren't really an atheist. You can't prove there is no god. You know there is one and you're just pissed off at him." Great. Just fucking great. I've blown a member of the religious right. I know that it can only get worse from here. Then he says, "Up until the moment when I came, I didn't see you as a person. Just as a blowjob." Whoa there buster. I've been used many times, and I don't really mind it so much. But I do mind you telling me you used me when I haven't had a fucking orgasm yet! He proceeds to go into this whole speech about how I'm a whore and if I had better self-esteem, I wouldn't let guys just fuck me. He says that it's sick that I've been with X number of men and that I was willing to make him the next. Then he makes himself seem like a complete moron and says, "My name isn't really Todd and I'm not 28." Duh. I may not be the brightest crayon in the box, but I've been around enough to know when I've been lied to. I say, "I know. You're name is Jeff and you've got to be in your mid-thirties." Which shocked the shit out of him and surely ruined his fun a little bit. What I didn't know, or ever wish to know, was that Jeff, at 33, was still a card carrying virgin. (loser cough) This is where I say I've had enough. In a few choice words, I tell him where he can go and what he can sit on and rotate when he gets there. I hope he gets anal warts the first time he has sex.
As if my night weren't complete, my mother called to tell me about some distant relative I never met who died, and how it's such a shock to everyone because blah, blah, blah. After about 20 minutes of listening to her drone on and on, I finally scream "Shut up, Mom! I don't care anymore!" She gets all pissy and hangs up on me then.
About the only positive part of that day was getting my internship at a prostitute outreach organization. Toby says I should fit right in there. Which I think is a little over-exaggeration. I never took money for sex.
