2007
Two months of leaving the same message over and over again: "Hey, it's me. Just calling to catch up. Call me back when you have some time. Miss you."
Radio silence.
Every logical cell in my body indicates that I shouldn't care. My relationship with The Friend of a Friend was terrible, emotionally damaging, and volatile at best. At worst, it produced the greatest regret of my life and plunged me into a four month depression in which I barely recognized myself. To this day, I have nightmares about the things we went through together.
Perhaps that's why it bothers me that he's fallen off the face of the earth. Over the years, I've lost touch with nearly every lover I ever had. Most went unnoticed, but the absence of some hurt, but not like this. It was a fading pain, quickly erased when someone new and shiny caught my eye. This is not about lust and maybe it's not even about missing someone. I've considered that it may be vanity. I occasionally wondered why he didn't remain as screwed up about me as he once was. But I can accept that love fades and you miss people less and less every day. Thinking about him inevitably leads my thoughts to memories that break my heart. Sometimes I felt like they broke his heart too. I miss the camaraderie of shared misery.
Mostly I worry that he has forgotten everything about us (plural as in "us three"; not as in "we"). I feel like I lost everything connected to that moment in my life and he was the only thing I had left of it. And now he seems to be long gone too. 2007 was our best year and I wonder why it doesn't keep him up at night, like it does me.
Radio silence.
Every logical cell in my body indicates that I shouldn't care. My relationship with The Friend of a Friend was terrible, emotionally damaging, and volatile at best. At worst, it produced the greatest regret of my life and plunged me into a four month depression in which I barely recognized myself. To this day, I have nightmares about the things we went through together.
Perhaps that's why it bothers me that he's fallen off the face of the earth. Over the years, I've lost touch with nearly every lover I ever had. Most went unnoticed, but the absence of some hurt, but not like this. It was a fading pain, quickly erased when someone new and shiny caught my eye. This is not about lust and maybe it's not even about missing someone. I've considered that it may be vanity. I occasionally wondered why he didn't remain as screwed up about me as he once was. But I can accept that love fades and you miss people less and less every day. Thinking about him inevitably leads my thoughts to memories that break my heart. Sometimes I felt like they broke his heart too. I miss the camaraderie of shared misery.
Mostly I worry that he has forgotten everything about us (plural as in "us three"; not as in "we"). I feel like I lost everything connected to that moment in my life and he was the only thing I had left of it. And now he seems to be long gone too. 2007 was our best year and I wonder why it doesn't keep him up at night, like it does me.
posted by The Husskateer at 6:54 PM
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