Songs to Break Your Lover's Heart

"Untouchable Face" - Ani DiFranco
So fuck you, and your untouchable face. And fuck you for existing in the first place.

"Benefits of Lying with Your Friend" - Apples in Stereo
Still there's something to be said for company in bed.

"Complicated" - Avril Lavigne
You become somebody else round everyone else.

"A Minor Incident" - Badly Drawn Boy
There's nothing I could say to make you try to feel okay. Nothing you could do to stop me feeling the way I do.

"Smoke" - Ben Folds Five
No one to forgive. We will not write another one.

"Irreplaceable" - Beyonce
You made your bed now lay in it.

"Most of the Time" - Bob Dylan
I don't even care if I ever see her again. Most of the time.

"Seventy Times 7" - Brand New
Have another drink and drive yourself home.

"That'll Be the Day" - Buddy Holly
You say you're gonna leave, you know it's a lie.

"Ever Fallen in Love?" - Buzzcocks
Ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't have fallen in love with?

"Under the Milky Way" - The Church
Wish I knew what you were looking for; might have known what you would find.

"Dreaming of You" - The Coral
I still need you but I don't want you now.

"Awake and Dreaming" - Finger Eleven
I try but I can't say I'm yours for good.

"All We Have is Now" - The Flaming Lips
You and me were never meant to be part of the future.

"Out of Reach" - The Get Up Kids
Start over is no way to begin.

"Closer" - Joshua Radin
I wish it were over. We seem to never end, only get closer to the point I can take no more.

"Cry Me a River" - Justin Timberlake
Enough said.

"This is the Last Time" - Keane
And years make everything alright. You fall on me for anything you like, and I know I don't mind.

"So Nice, So Smart" - Kimya Dawson
Say shut up and quit your crying. Give it time and you'll be fine. You're so nice, and you're so smart. You're such a good friend I have to break your heart. I'll tell you that I love then I'll tear your world. Just pretend I didn't tear your world apart.

"Absolutely Nothing" - Lily Allen
Absolutely nothing you could say to change my mind.

"The Divorce" - Liz Phair
When you said that I wasn't worth talking to, I had to take your word on that.

"Blankest Year" - Nada Surf
Fuck it. I'm gonna have a party.

"Cato as a Pun" - Of Montreal
Please confuse my every decision.

"Valentine" - Old 97's
Of all the many ways a man will lose his home, there ain't none better than the girl who's moving on.

"Betterman" - Pearl Jam
She lies and says she's in love with him.

"Long Nights" - Piebald
Everything that makes you feel tired.

"Every You, Every Me" - Placebo
Like the naked leads the blind, I know I'm cruel, I'm unkind. Sucker love I always find.

"5 and a Half Minute Hallway" - Poe
As far as I can see, you are still miles from me in your doorway.

"Just" - Radiohead
You do it to yourself.

"85" - Rilo Kiley
I wonder why it doesn't keep him up at night like it does me.

"Breakin' Up" - Rilo Kiley
It's not as if New York City burnt down to the ground once you drove away.

"Gone for Good" - The Shins
You want to fight for this love? Honey, you cannot wrestle a dove.

"A Comet Appears" - The Shins
Take a drink just to give me some weight.

"Ball & Chain" - Social Distortion
Take away this ball and chain.

"Dry Your Eyes" - The Streets
There's plenty of fish in the sea.

"Apologize" - Timbaland
It's too late to apologize.

"Sober" - Tool
I just want to start this over.

"Left and Leaving" - The Weakerthans
Memory will rust and erode into lists of all that you gave me: a blanket, some matches, this pain in my chest, the best parts of lonely.

"No Other One" - Weezer
She's all I've got and I don't want to be alone.

"Impossible Germany" - Wilco
This is important but I know you're not listening.

Soundtrack brought to you by the 2008 edition to the Fuck It Bucket.

Almost

Rarely one for being overly sentimental, Mother's Day usually passes me by without much thought. Send a card to my grandma, call my mom. End of story.

I can't say that Mother's Day this year was the first time I thought about the impending motherhood I faced a few months ago. It would not be an overstatement to say that I've thought about it every single fucking day. Mother's Day reminds me of what motherhood really means--what my own mother and grandmother mean to me. It seems to me that motherhood is all about making choices and giving up a part of yourself for the betterment of someone else. Naturally, I thank the women who gave me life and raised me for every choice they made on my behalf, every decision they made that shaped my existence. But it wasn't until I found myself in a position to make those same choices that I began to have some understanding of what they already know. It wasn't until I was almost ready to make the same decisions that I felt a small amount of what they have always felt.

But sadly, there's no such thing as Almost Mother's Day. Instead of flowers or a necklace made out of elbow macaroni, I'm staring at the Plan B box wondering which choice to make this time.

Double Trouble

Hangovers are best cured by Vitamin Water, several hours on the couch and deleting all the text messages I sent while intoxicated. Before I deleted the 52 messages I received and the 30 I sent, I pieced together the events of the evening.

3:45 pm
Arrive at happy hour

6:15 pm
Change in the bathroom of the bar from work clothes into going out clothes. Note to self: In the future, do not use deodorant that has been sitting in your car in the hot sun all day.

6:33 pm
Depart happy hour with a plan of action, but lacking a stable base of operations other than my car.

7:04 pm
Arrive at The Pirate Bar. Consume salad, promptly followed by 4 rum and diet cokes as to sufficiently kill any nutrients consumed in the salad.

9:42 pm
Leave Pirate Bar and walk to an "Irish" pub. Drink excessively. Ignore text messages from The Friend of a Friend, or respond vaguely to his questions regarding my whereabouts. Decide that getting booty should now be the focus of the evening. Avoid prolonged conversations with Walter Reed army guys who use detailed descriptions of their war injuries to hit on me with. Example: "I'm missing 25% of my brain." What possible response is there to that?!?!

1:11 am
Text Local A and invite him out. He declines because he is too far away, but insists that he wants to see me. Convince Local A to get in a cab and go to my house even though I have not yet left the bar and fully intend on stopping for breakfast before I go home. Hear my phone ring three times, see that it is The Friend of a Friend, and put the phone back in my bag.

2:24 am
Eat some kind of eggs and potato product while texting Local A to assure him that I am in fact coming home. Texting while eating is difficult enough, but I also must carefully ignore several messages from The Friend of a Friend.

2:37 am
Receive confirmation from Local A that he is 5 minutes away from my house. I am still eating breakfast, but am unconcerned.

2:38 am
Receive voice mail message from The Friend of a Friend. Begrudgingly listen to the message. It informs me that, since 11 pm, The Friend of a Friend has been parked outside my house waiting for me to come home. He is not a happy camper.

2:51 am
Finally hail a cab with my friend, who then gets out of the cab inexplicably one block later and leaves. Head towards home, fearing a clash of two boys on my front porch.

3:02 am
Circle my block in my cab and ascertain that The Friend of a Friend is no where to be found. Receive a berating text message even though I did not invite The Friend of a Friend over or tell him that I would be home at any point in the evening.

3:04 am
Kiss Local A with my (surely) nasty bar breath and spend 3 hours talking about books and music and not getting booty. Fall asleep nearly fully dressed and completely agitated. Earlier in the evening, I feared an abundance of cock overrunning my lawn and instead ended up falling asleep without any. Isn't that just my luck?