Double Trouble
Hangovers are best cured by Vitamin Water, several hours on the couch and deleting all the text messages I sent while intoxicated. Before I deleted the 52 messages I received and the 30 I sent, I pieced together the events of the evening.
3:45 pm
Arrive at happy hour
6:15 pm
Change in the bathroom of the bar from work clothes into going out clothes. Note to self: In the future, do not use deodorant that has been sitting in your car in the hot sun all day.
6:33 pm
Depart happy hour with a plan of action, but lacking a stable base of operations other than my car.
7:04 pm
Arrive at The Pirate Bar. Consume salad, promptly followed by 4 rum and diet cokes as to sufficiently kill any nutrients consumed in the salad.
9:42 pm
Leave Pirate Bar and walk to an "Irish" pub. Drink excessively. Ignore text messages from The Friend of a Friend, or respond vaguely to his questions regarding my whereabouts. Decide that getting booty should now be the focus of the evening. Avoid prolonged conversations with Walter Reed army guys who use detailed descriptions of their war injuries to hit on me with. Example: "I'm missing 25% of my brain." What possible response is there to that?!?!
1:11 am
Text Local A and invite him out. He declines because he is too far away, but insists that he wants to see me. Convince Local A to get in a cab and go to my house even though I have not yet left the bar and fully intend on stopping for breakfast before I go home. Hear my phone ring three times, see that it is The Friend of a Friend, and put the phone back in my bag.
2:24 am
Eat some kind of eggs and potato product while texting Local A to assure him that I am in fact coming home. Texting while eating is difficult enough, but I also must carefully ignore several messages from The Friend of a Friend.
2:37 am
Receive confirmation from Local A that he is 5 minutes away from my house. I am still eating breakfast, but am unconcerned.
2:38 am
Receive voice mail message from The Friend of a Friend. Begrudgingly listen to the message. It informs me that, since 11 pm, The Friend of a Friend has been parked outside my house waiting for me to come home. He is not a happy camper.
2:51 am
Finally hail a cab with my friend, who then gets out of the cab inexplicably one block later and leaves. Head towards home, fearing a clash of two boys on my front porch.
3:02 am
Circle my block in my cab and ascertain that The Friend of a Friend is no where to be found. Receive a berating text message even though I did not invite The Friend of a Friend over or tell him that I would be home at any point in the evening.
3:04 am
Kiss Local A with my (surely) nasty bar breath and spend 3 hours talking about books and music and not getting booty. Fall asleep nearly fully dressed and completely agitated. Earlier in the evening, I feared an abundance of cock overrunning my lawn and instead ended up falling asleep without any. Isn't that just my luck?
3:45 pm
Arrive at happy hour
6:15 pm
Change in the bathroom of the bar from work clothes into going out clothes. Note to self: In the future, do not use deodorant that has been sitting in your car in the hot sun all day.
6:33 pm
Depart happy hour with a plan of action, but lacking a stable base of operations other than my car.
7:04 pm
Arrive at The Pirate Bar. Consume salad, promptly followed by 4 rum and diet cokes as to sufficiently kill any nutrients consumed in the salad.
9:42 pm
Leave Pirate Bar and walk to an "Irish" pub. Drink excessively. Ignore text messages from The Friend of a Friend, or respond vaguely to his questions regarding my whereabouts. Decide that getting booty should now be the focus of the evening. Avoid prolonged conversations with Walter Reed army guys who use detailed descriptions of their war injuries to hit on me with. Example: "I'm missing 25% of my brain." What possible response is there to that?!?!
1:11 am
Text Local A and invite him out. He declines because he is too far away, but insists that he wants to see me. Convince Local A to get in a cab and go to my house even though I have not yet left the bar and fully intend on stopping for breakfast before I go home. Hear my phone ring three times, see that it is The Friend of a Friend, and put the phone back in my bag.
2:24 am
Eat some kind of eggs and potato product while texting Local A to assure him that I am in fact coming home. Texting while eating is difficult enough, but I also must carefully ignore several messages from The Friend of a Friend.
2:37 am
Receive confirmation from Local A that he is 5 minutes away from my house. I am still eating breakfast, but am unconcerned.
2:38 am
Receive voice mail message from The Friend of a Friend. Begrudgingly listen to the message. It informs me that, since 11 pm, The Friend of a Friend has been parked outside my house waiting for me to come home. He is not a happy camper.
2:51 am
Finally hail a cab with my friend, who then gets out of the cab inexplicably one block later and leaves. Head towards home, fearing a clash of two boys on my front porch.
3:02 am
Circle my block in my cab and ascertain that The Friend of a Friend is no where to be found. Receive a berating text message even though I did not invite The Friend of a Friend over or tell him that I would be home at any point in the evening.
3:04 am
Kiss Local A with my (surely) nasty bar breath and spend 3 hours talking about books and music and not getting booty. Fall asleep nearly fully dressed and completely agitated. Earlier in the evening, I feared an abundance of cock overrunning my lawn and instead ended up falling asleep without any. Isn't that just my luck?
posted by The Husskateer at 2:24 PM
1 Comments:
"The Picture" disapered. Maybe time is right for a real body part?
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