Funky Spunk

Which came first: the chicken or the egg? If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Does semen from a vegetarian taste better than semen from a meat eater? Ah, the age old philosophical questions.

In short, yes. Semen from a vegetarian does taste better than semen from a meat eater. I'm not sure what the chemical explanation is, but I've found it to be true. Plenty of foods other than meat also affect how funky one's spunk is. Asparagus is often labeled a particularly stinky food, but I've never experienced a noticeable effect. Cauliflower and broccoli do, if eaten in large quantities. Other common culprits are garlic, onions, coffee and alcohol. These generate a somewhat bitter taste. Meat and dairy can cause an increase in the salty taste of semen. So the long answer is that vegans who don't drink or smoke generally taste the best. However, each person tastes different regardless of their diet habits, and foods affect people's taste differently.

That being said, I've heard (though have no data to prove this) that some foods like cinnamon, pineapple, parsley, celery, and wheat beers improve the taste of semen. If you fear your spunk is funky, try to get an objective opinion and then revert to a high fruit and vegetable diet for a few days and see if there is an improvement. If there isn't, or if you don't have the willpower to change your diet for the sake of a blow job, buy some flavored lube. I recommend strawberry, as it's still about a million times tastier than the best cum I ever had.

Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic

The Police certainly did not live with whichever girl they wrote this song about.

Until now, I've never lived with anyone I've slept with. Sure, I slept with The Roommate while we lived together but it wasn't exactly the same as living together. We always had the option to be separated by bricks and mortar and wood. When I wanted to, I could always hide--hide the comfortable granny panties that I can't bear to part with, the green refining mask that allegedly reduces the size of my pores, the random bouts of crying that I occasionally enjoy.

Live-in boyfriends see everything. He chuckles at the dots of blemish cream I wear before bed and at the ridiculousness of my speech with whitening strips in my mouth. He watched me without comment as I squirmed and struggled into my Spanx before the DNC Election Party last night. Before I fretted about letting these parts of myself show to the boys in my life. What would they think of me? How could anyone possibly find me attractive after watching me put on Spanx?! Honestly, it repulses even me.

Then again, his knowledge of all those little idiosyncrasies is part of the appeal. Each small personality tick exists in a bubble of just him and I. In a few instances, they've become private jokes that no one else is privy to. I guess that's what intimacy is. After fearing it more than the Booger Man for so long, I have to admit that I kind of like it.

You've Got Questions...

I've Got Answers. Sometimes. On a very short list of topics.

Discussion on Boobs: Value, Purpose and Stimulation

Ah breasts. Does any other part of the human form draw so much attention or discussion? My obsessive compulsive side really wants to break into an outline right now and draft a short essay on tits, but it turns out that my relationship is slowing me down. I'm either becoming an old married woman, or I'd rather have a sex life than write about one.

Value of Boobs

In my limited understanding of evolution, breasts have developed for two reasons: (1) nourishment for infants (yick) and (2) as a frontal mock of the ass which most male mammals are drawn to in female partners. In terms of sexual value, breasts are just an ass that we carry around on our fronts. The more cleavage, the more they look like ass cheeks. So women spend hundreds of dollars each year on bras meant to enhance our breasts ability to look like our asses. Since they've become an integral component of sexual attraction, breasts have significant value in modern American culture. In other cultures, the ass continues to rule, but it seems to me that breasts rule the majority of straight men's minds. Maybe that's more a representation of my knowledge of the Victoria's Secret catalog than evolution.

Purpose of Boobs

Breasts are technically meant for infants. In fact, in my cultures, they're not a sexual organ at all. But, as the above paragraph states, for our purposes they are. The purpose of breasts in sex depends on the woman, and unless she is able to get whatever she wants sexually, the men she sleeps with. Some women experience a great deal of sensation, others do not. Personally, I don't experience nearly as much pleasure from someone touching my breasts as I do from touch in other areas. However, many of the men I've slept with were self-professed "breast men" and consequently, they enjoyed lavishing my breasts with attention and affection. When it was earnest, I appreciated the effort but more because it represented their desire for me. One key purpose of boobs that I've found rather enjoyable is their use, for lack of a better term, as grips. On that pleasant note, let's move on to stimulation.

Stimulation of Boobs

As previously mentioned, some women experience high sensation in their breasts. I do not and therefore never bothered much with asking for any particular stimulation. In the hopes of heightening sensation, I had one of my nipples pierced several years ago. It didn't change much, but the boys seemed to like and it made my breasts memorable, so I kept it. Foreplay, often neglected or performed improperly, generally focuses a lot on the breasts. Generally, I'm not a fan of this practice and can sometimes get annoyed after several minutes of having my nipples rolled between a finger and thumb or kissed, etc. I have always enjoyed having my breasts held while fucking from behind. Other than that, they don't do me much good once I get into bed. That being said, they're awfully useful on the way to the bed. If you're wondering if the woman/women you're sleeping with feel the same way I do, or whether they're silently wishing you just leave their breasts alone, the only real way to know is to ask them. If they're worth anything as a sex partner, they'll tell you without batting an eye.

I should write about sperm and the always popular question of whether size really matters while I'm actually bothering to update, but I think I'll save those topics for another day. Thanks for the comments--they always brighten my day.