For Whom the Bell Tolls

"For her everything was red, orange, gold-red from the sun on the closed eyes, and it all was that color, all of it, the filling, the possessing, the having, all of that color, all in a blindness of that color."

In every anxiety filled moment, I keep wondering when the other shoe is going to fall and where it will land. As summer ends, I am riddled with fear of the future, be it the next 24 hours or the next 24 years. I've tried to pinpoint the source of all this anxiety, because, for all intensive purposes, I have everything I once desired. Well, not everything, but close enough to be happy.

The thing I fear is that all things that I've come to love are going to abruptly come to an end. Most frequently, people advise me to live in the moment and just enjoy life for what it is. Then I worry that I will be blinded to reality, blinded by all the rich, beautiful color. Maybe one day he'll wake up next to me and realize that he doesn't love me, and I will no longer be beautiful. Maybe our relationship will grow more serious, and it will be all the more unsettling when I finally open my eyes. I am worried about what will happen when the moment ends.

About the only idea I've found comforting recently is this: "There isn't any need to deny everything there's been just because you are going to lose it." It may not be tomorrow, but eventually, I will lose everything I work for, everything I love. The end may be inevitable, but there is so much in the interim. Why not be happy and embrace the warm glow around me. Let love in and let today be filled with the beautiful sun. Who knows for whom the bell tolls? It may be for thee. Or for me.