Hand jobs are so 7th grade.

I'm insulted that anyone would request a mere hand job from a girl of my experience. It's about as bloody likely as a Versace clad Pope on a pogo stick that I'm going to go to all that effort for your *average* penis. If that's what you're after, swing by the middle school. To them, your penis will seem big and they won't know the difference when you have to take a Viagra just to get it up.

And close your damn drapes. I feel confident in saying that no woman deserves to be subjected to watching you masturbate to bad porn.