Take My Good Fortune
When I broke my tooth on that fortune cookie three weeks ago, the fortune should have said, "Kill yourself now." because this has been the most horrific month. First, let's address my broken tooth. It took three weeks to get an appointment for a root canal. You'd think missing half a tooth and being in agony would be considered a relative emergency, but apparently not. The root canal itself was mostly painless, though the sound of a drill annihilating your tooth is not the most comforting. As a by-product of the root canal and my aforementioned extravagant spending, I am now utterly and completely broke.
Despite the root canal yesterday, I still went to work today. See the second shitty thing about my current situation. I work with kids (frightening, I know) and one of them definitely choked me in a fit of rage over his Nintendo today. Fan-fucking-tastic. For any normal person, this would be traumatic. For me, it conjures up an incredibly frightening reminder of when The S put his hand around my throat while fucking me.
Speaking of The S and his never ending ability to crush my spirit (and wind pipe), he was kind enough to let me know this week that he has a girlfriend. When he told me, I was so shocked the only thing I could think of to say was, "What's 100 minus 65?" I shouldn't have been surprised, despite him telling me for three years that he doesn't want a girlfriend. In November he almost got married, and yet I continued to have hope for him.
Everyone says good riddance. Everyone says that I'm better off if I just cut him out. But I'm so obstinate that I've refused to do it largely because everyone told me to do it. Part of me is addicted to the non-conventional nature of our relations. We fuck, we hate each other, we fight and are cruel to one another. Yet there has always seemed to be a passion, understanding and genuine love between us that I never found with anyone else. Our lives constantly took us in different directions, and into bed with dozens of other people, but eventually we always ended up back together. Perhaps I took for granted that it would always be that way. Mostly I took him for granted, and in that, I was very wrong.
As one of the people who knows me best, The S knows that I don't sleep with boys who have girlfriends. Because he knows me best, however, he believes that he is exempt from this rule. Wrong. So of course he pulls out his very favorite line, "We can still be friends." With friends like you and luck like this, I'll stick with my enemies. There I go, being mean again to protect myself. Truthfully, I don't want to see him with a girlfriend because I don't want to be reminded of my enormous failure. I don't want to feel that sick pain in my chest that comes with losing someone you love. If you're leaving me, then be gone; don't come back to haunt me.
What can a hussy do? Nothing, really. I can't change people's hearts or minds, great though my powers of persuasion may be. Maybe I could if I didn't let my fucking ego and stupid insecurities rule my decisions, but I know that I won't be any different than I am. The terrible truth about me is that I am afraid all the time. Afraid of everything, but most of all, terrified of feeling loved. Naturally, because of all this built up fear, I am cruel to those who are foolish enough to love me. Best that he's with someone who can express how much she appreciates and adores him, even if what she can only feel a tenth of what I do for him. If you care about someone, shouldn't you let them go and be happy? As for me, it's time to retire him to The Fuck It Bucket and kick myself for being too prideful and scared to be loved.
After all that, who needs a drink?
Despite the root canal yesterday, I still went to work today. See the second shitty thing about my current situation. I work with kids (frightening, I know) and one of them definitely choked me in a fit of rage over his Nintendo today. Fan-fucking-tastic. For any normal person, this would be traumatic. For me, it conjures up an incredibly frightening reminder of when The S put his hand around my throat while fucking me.
Speaking of The S and his never ending ability to crush my spirit (and wind pipe), he was kind enough to let me know this week that he has a girlfriend. When he told me, I was so shocked the only thing I could think of to say was, "What's 100 minus 65?" I shouldn't have been surprised, despite him telling me for three years that he doesn't want a girlfriend. In November he almost got married, and yet I continued to have hope for him.
Everyone says good riddance. Everyone says that I'm better off if I just cut him out. But I'm so obstinate that I've refused to do it largely because everyone told me to do it. Part of me is addicted to the non-conventional nature of our relations. We fuck, we hate each other, we fight and are cruel to one another. Yet there has always seemed to be a passion, understanding and genuine love between us that I never found with anyone else. Our lives constantly took us in different directions, and into bed with dozens of other people, but eventually we always ended up back together. Perhaps I took for granted that it would always be that way. Mostly I took him for granted, and in that, I was very wrong.
As one of the people who knows me best, The S knows that I don't sleep with boys who have girlfriends. Because he knows me best, however, he believes that he is exempt from this rule. Wrong. So of course he pulls out his very favorite line, "We can still be friends." With friends like you and luck like this, I'll stick with my enemies. There I go, being mean again to protect myself. Truthfully, I don't want to see him with a girlfriend because I don't want to be reminded of my enormous failure. I don't want to feel that sick pain in my chest that comes with losing someone you love. If you're leaving me, then be gone; don't come back to haunt me.
What can a hussy do? Nothing, really. I can't change people's hearts or minds, great though my powers of persuasion may be. Maybe I could if I didn't let my fucking ego and stupid insecurities rule my decisions, but I know that I won't be any different than I am. The terrible truth about me is that I am afraid all the time. Afraid of everything, but most of all, terrified of feeling loved. Naturally, because of all this built up fear, I am cruel to those who are foolish enough to love me. Best that he's with someone who can express how much she appreciates and adores him, even if what she can only feel a tenth of what I do for him. If you care about someone, shouldn't you let them go and be happy? As for me, it's time to retire him to The Fuck It Bucket and kick myself for being too prideful and scared to be loved.
After all that, who needs a drink?
posted by The Husskateer at 8:27 PM
1 Comments:
I alaways find it challenging to comment on a post like this because it is not clear to me exactly what you want or what you are looking for in life (or whether you know yourself).
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