Social Lubricants

I'm a huge fan of, and advocate for the use of, lube. Water basd, silicone, flavored--variety is the spice of your fucking life. My diverse collection includes two kinds ID Glide, three types of KY, a bottle of Astroglide, and a soon to arrive special order. Lube makes everything go a little bit smoother and easier. For the sexually inexperienced, I recommend lube; lots and lots of lube. Unlike most things in life, when it comes to lube, there is no such thing as too much. In fact, too much is almost enough.

While lube takes my sex life to slippery new places, booze is hardly helpful when it comes to sliding between the sheets. As one of the most socially awkward people on the planet, I see a lot of virtues in alcohol. I'm infinitely more personable and charming when my date has had a few drinks. Beyond the instant personality boost, I'm much more likely to say what's really on my mind (Fuck me, Fuck me, FUCK ME, yes, GOD, YES!!!) when I've been drinking than while I'm sober. Drinking is the most commonly accepted form of meeting potential sex partners, especially for those of us in our twenties. You don't see girls prancing across the bridge into Adams Morgan in 4 inches heels and barely there shirts because it's comfortable and warm or because they just want to have a good time with their friends. No, we get skanked out and go to bars because we're hoping to take someone home, or at the very least, attract some sexually charged attention.

Boozin' can lead to a lot of stupid decisions when it comes to sex. The first possible tragedy that comes to my mind is going to bed with someone who seemed cute, but in the morning has bad hair, fucked up teeth, and a nasty snoring problem. We'll all experienced this little slip up, but it's usually easily solved by faking a seizure or telling the person that "last night was really special." Next on the Oops List is having unprotected sex. Again, so many of us have been down this road. Unfortunately this accident isn't as easily remedied, but after you make an appointment at the free clinic and rediscover your dignity, it's nothing a little penicillin or a good push down the stairs can't cure. Usually.

Thankfully I've been host to very few alcohol related sexual fuck ups. This is largely due to the fact that I rarely fuck when I'm drinking. I don't like feeling out of control with people I don't know well, and since that's the case with most of the boys I see, I generally keep it to a two beer maximum. After a good night of drinking, I usually wake up with crazy hair, a headache, and regrets over what I may or may not have said. Frankly, I don't want the people who give my orgasms to see me like that. Feed the illusion. Also, I have no patience for beating myself up over stupid slip ups that could have easily been avoided if I had laid off the sauce.

Recently I've been drinking a lot more, and while I haven't fallen prey to either of these all too common woopsies, I've discovered another tragic downside to mixing two of life's most wonderful vices. For me, drinking has about the same affect on my desire to fuck as porn does. Initially, I want to fuck like crazy. Slowly, but surely, I never want to fuck again. Beers one through four make me abnormally horny. Beers five through eight make me likely to fuck you but unlikely to enjoy it. All beers beyond that point make me likely to either vomit or be so dizzy that if jostle me in any way, I will vomit. Of course, I have some assemblance of self control and can usually keep myself safely in the four zone. The tragedy lies in my inability to control how many beverages my date consumes. Because I have limited experience with the joys of drunken fucking, I considered whiskey dick and other such affirmities to be largely urban dating legend. Several times now, my most recent boy has arrived at my door tanked out of his mind. I don't mind because I like to have the company and he's a decent fuck when sober, but this drunken fucking thing is on my last nerve. First, I don't like to sleep with boys who can't come because it damages my self esteem and when I'm in bed, I want to feel like a rock star. If you say you want to fuck me, then you fucking well better have an orgasm. Second, I'm not usually a once and done kind of girl. I have insomnia and thus prefer to fuck at least twice as it wears me out and occupies my otherwise boring sleepless hours. Unfortunately, the dozen or so drinks this boy consumes on a weeknight leave him either capable of fucking me but not capable of coming or only capable of proper fucking me once. I'm not quite sure how to remedy this, but I'm considering a boycott on calling booze "social lubricant", as I feel it's dirtying up lube's otherwise good name. My only consolation is that he can, at the very least, always get hard. If that became a problem, one of us would end up facing uncoming traffic.