Newton's Third Law
“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Where the hell have I been?!?
In October I journeyed to southern Virginia to visit an ex and see his new baby. Oh babies. So special. It's strange enough to see your ex with someone new. It's even stranger to see them with someone new and their two children. But, like the trooper I am, I complacently posed for pictures with the delightful tots and contributed to the delusion that this situation will end anywhere but misery, divorce and therapy. On the bus ride home, I started a conversation with the boy in the seat next to me. Everyone knows that once I start a conversation with a boy it's only a matter of time before I end up in bed with him. And honestly, what could go wrong when you meet someone on a Greyhound and take them home?
A lot.
Like a four month relationship.
Oh fuck.
From October to January, I was a bona fide girlfriend. Not someone you fuck two or three times a month and ignore otherwise, but someone you bring chocolates to and spend Christmas with. In all seriousness, I have no idea how that happened. One minute you're "just having fun" and the next minute you're being introduced as "my girlfriend." As a sidebar, I think the only three words that are worse to hear in the dating world than we're "just having fun" are "I love you." Despite my conditioned response to run like hell from anything resembling commitment, I played along. I did the double dating thing, which is double the awkwardness and misery of a regular date. I cooked dinner and washed dishes. I went to hockey games that I didn't give a shit about. I watched a Bond movie. At the theater. I spent Saturday nights "just relaxing at home." I took him home to meet my family at Christmas. I endured 40 minute pointless stories about how great it was to be in the Peace Corps and endless jokes that weren't particularly funny. I laughed at those jokes. I quit smoking because he hated it. I had sex with just one person.
Why would I do this? Because I could and I need to remember that I was capable of it. I wanted to know that something wasn't broken in me -- that the fucking I've been doing was because I wanted to, not because I felt compelled to. Pretty quickly though, I realized that I wasn't especially fond of the person I was dating. I didn't mind the relationship stuff, despite the obvious shock to my system. But I did mind him. It's funny to me that even when someone is so fucking annoying, I don't want to them to break up with me. One would think that it would be a relief because now I could be lazy and not have to say that the sound of his voice made me want to scratch his eyes out. But oh no, it was no relief at all.
Every step in my relationship with Disingenuousness (as he shall forever be known) felt like I was being blindsided. I'm just walking along, minding my own business, and then BAM! I'm in a relationship. Then I'm just riding the train, minding my own business, and BAM AGAIN! He's moving to the furthest place he could go and still be within the United States. Not only is he moving to Alaska completely out of the fucking blue, but he's leaving in less than 12 hours. "Come to the bar if you want to say goodbye," he says. Excuse me? I think not. If you fucking want to break up with me and run away to Alaska, then you'll have to come to my house and do it like a man. Boys, unlike men, lack the courage to accept the consequences of their actions. So he broke up with me over the phone and sheepishly stood at my door to impart his goodbye message: "Don't be a stranger."
For everything that I missed when I was in a relationship, I gained a very strong sense of what I do not want in my life. I don't want to laugh when your jokes suck. I don't want to eat okra because you like it. I don't want to look at African art on a gorgeous day. I don't want to take a multi vitamin. And I fucking want to sit on my porch and chain smoke Parliament lights while drinking beer out of the bottle. That's what I like. Before Disingenuousness, I couldn't only say what I did and did not like in bed. Now, with all certainty, I can say that what I do not want to put up with. I've gained a whole new sense of my identity. For everything that I gained while I was in and out of a relationship, I lost something of equal value. Half a dozen good lovers have gone missing or perhaps died from neglect. I choose to believe they've died as I don't want to imagine them having fun without me. Now, I'm attempting to reconnect and rebuild the roster and do exactly what I want exactly when I want to.
Where the hell have I been?!?
In October I journeyed to southern Virginia to visit an ex and see his new baby. Oh babies. So special. It's strange enough to see your ex with someone new. It's even stranger to see them with someone new and their two children. But, like the trooper I am, I complacently posed for pictures with the delightful tots and contributed to the delusion that this situation will end anywhere but misery, divorce and therapy. On the bus ride home, I started a conversation with the boy in the seat next to me. Everyone knows that once I start a conversation with a boy it's only a matter of time before I end up in bed with him. And honestly, what could go wrong when you meet someone on a Greyhound and take them home?
A lot.
Like a four month relationship.
Oh fuck.
From October to January, I was a bona fide girlfriend. Not someone you fuck two or three times a month and ignore otherwise, but someone you bring chocolates to and spend Christmas with. In all seriousness, I have no idea how that happened. One minute you're "just having fun" and the next minute you're being introduced as "my girlfriend." As a sidebar, I think the only three words that are worse to hear in the dating world than we're "just having fun" are "I love you." Despite my conditioned response to run like hell from anything resembling commitment, I played along. I did the double dating thing, which is double the awkwardness and misery of a regular date. I cooked dinner and washed dishes. I went to hockey games that I didn't give a shit about. I watched a Bond movie. At the theater. I spent Saturday nights "just relaxing at home." I took him home to meet my family at Christmas. I endured 40 minute pointless stories about how great it was to be in the Peace Corps and endless jokes that weren't particularly funny. I laughed at those jokes. I quit smoking because he hated it. I had sex with just one person.
Why would I do this? Because I could and I need to remember that I was capable of it. I wanted to know that something wasn't broken in me -- that the fucking I've been doing was because I wanted to, not because I felt compelled to. Pretty quickly though, I realized that I wasn't especially fond of the person I was dating. I didn't mind the relationship stuff, despite the obvious shock to my system. But I did mind him. It's funny to me that even when someone is so fucking annoying, I don't want to them to break up with me. One would think that it would be a relief because now I could be lazy and not have to say that the sound of his voice made me want to scratch his eyes out. But oh no, it was no relief at all.
Every step in my relationship with Disingenuousness (as he shall forever be known) felt like I was being blindsided. I'm just walking along, minding my own business, and then BAM! I'm in a relationship. Then I'm just riding the train, minding my own business, and BAM AGAIN! He's moving to the furthest place he could go and still be within the United States. Not only is he moving to Alaska completely out of the fucking blue, but he's leaving in less than 12 hours. "Come to the bar if you want to say goodbye," he says. Excuse me? I think not. If you fucking want to break up with me and run away to Alaska, then you'll have to come to my house and do it like a man. Boys, unlike men, lack the courage to accept the consequences of their actions. So he broke up with me over the phone and sheepishly stood at my door to impart his goodbye message: "Don't be a stranger."
For everything that I missed when I was in a relationship, I gained a very strong sense of what I do not want in my life. I don't want to laugh when your jokes suck. I don't want to eat okra because you like it. I don't want to look at African art on a gorgeous day. I don't want to take a multi vitamin. And I fucking want to sit on my porch and chain smoke Parliament lights while drinking beer out of the bottle. That's what I like. Before Disingenuousness, I couldn't only say what I did and did not like in bed. Now, with all certainty, I can say that what I do not want to put up with. I've gained a whole new sense of my identity. For everything that I gained while I was in and out of a relationship, I lost something of equal value. Half a dozen good lovers have gone missing or perhaps died from neglect. I choose to believe they've died as I don't want to imagine them having fun without me. Now, I'm attempting to reconnect and rebuild the roster and do exactly what I want exactly when I want to.
posted by The Husskateer at 12:24 PM
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