Welcome to the free clinic: The right of passage for our generation

Oh the free clinic. Sure, we all laughed when Vicki posed outside a Texas free clinic prior to her HIV test, but it's not that funny in real life. First of all, due to high demand, my choice of appointments was very limited. So 10:40 am on a Tuesday it is. Getting up early always has its challenges, but getting up at 8:30 to have my vagina poked by a stranger and scraped is more difficult than normal. Regardless, I got up to find our apartment only running cold water. Super. The one day I can't skip a shower and the water is fucking freezing. Showered and dressed, I trudge to the Metro to meet my friend, who is a dear saint by the way for coming with me. I was advised to arrive 15 minutes early to complete all my paperwork at Planned Parenthood, though as soon as I walked in, I knew 15 minutes would not nearly be enough. The paperwork took me 35 minutes and included a 6 page packet on who Planned Parenthood may share my confidential health information with. Yet another super part of my super day. Good thing I was 40 minutes early, though that didn't seem to matter since I sat in the waiting room until 11:20. My poor friend passed out on my shoulder whilst I watched a man with an eye patch (yes, just like a pirate) duke out a family fued on Judge Hachett. Finally, my turn. Before I continue, let me just fill you in on some of the fears that I've been experiencing prior to this visit.

Reading about STI's and HIV all day at my internship filled me with the fear of god to get tested again. I used to be anal about testing...every six months, without fail. But alas, just as I began racking up sexual partners, larger gaps between tests became a reality. So, I've essentially convinced myself that I have some horrible disease which will make me the least desirable sexual partner in a 10 mile radius. In addition, I am terrified and disturbed by male ob/gyns. On a practical level, male ob/gyns make no sense. Let's consider this from another angle. If you had a problem with your foot, would you go to a pediotrist who was born with no legs? Of course not, because he or she could not possibly understand the complaint you have. From a gender theory perspective, male ob/gyns are intimidating. It's a complicated explanation that I did very well while sleep deprived last week, so I'll try to replicate my argument. In every interpersonal relationship with men, women are made very aware of the gender of the male, and of their own gender based inferiority. For example, when I talk to another girl, I'm not consciously thinking, this is a girl. Yet when I talk to a guy, I am at least always subconsciously aware that he is male and I am not, and thus he has power that I do not have. Combine that gender based power with the vulnerable position one is put in during a pelvic exam, and it can be down right frightening. I've never gone to a male ob/gyn. In fact, I've gone to the same woman for the past 7 years. For some reason, I convinced myself that only men would staff Planned Parenthood. Talk about illogical.

So, the first order of business once behind the locked and frosted glass door of the clinic was drawing blood. I'm not the biggest fan of needles (who is?) but the nurse was awesome despite my veins constantly playing hide and seek. She then asks me if I want to wait a week for my HIV results or if I want to get them in 20 minutes. Umm...duh. Oral swabbing it is! Then it's off to the exam room for what promises to be the best part of the day. I assume the position, and am joined by a former hippie and nurse. She glances over my medical forms and asks me a series of questions that I already answered in the forms. Here is some excerpts from our conversation for your enjoyment.

Nurse: How many cigarettes do you smoke a day?
Me: 10. [Lies]
Nurse: Well, you should really consider quitting.
Nurse: How many sexual partners have you had in the last 3 months?
Me: X number.
Nurse: Well, I think you should try to limit the number of partners you have to take better care of yourself.
Nurse: What kind of contraceptives do you use?
Me: I always use condoms.
Nurse: Well, I encourage you to keep that up.

Moments later, after taking my blood pressure...

Nurse: Your blood pressure is a bit high. You should have that checked out.
Me: Could it possibly be from stress and irritation?

Then the fun part. I could tell you a bunch of information about me and my cervix and how we don't get along with speculums, but I won't. That's just an overshare. Anyway, things finish up and she returns to tell me I'm HIV negative.

Let's all have a big sigh of relief. 1, 2, 3, and togther. Exhale.

In one to three weeks, we'll find out how I faired on the other tests. As Lola always says, "Pray for chlamydia!"